Why Am I Depressed?

(Please see ‘About’ for the purpose of this blog
and here’s how and why it started)

 

“Why am I depressed?”

A question that I’ve asked myself one too many times. Today however, I have an answer. At least for now. I just came home from an appointment at the Urogynae (Urologist and Gynaecologist) for my bladder issues that have troubled me since the year 2012. The first Urogynae I saw in a public hospital handled me horribly and gave me every medication to treat all other infections except the cause that was bothering me – I go to the toilet up to 20 times a day on bad days. It doesn’t make it any easier since this vestibular migraine began PLUS the vertigo. Once my bladder is emptied and I make my way back to the bed, lie down, the urge to urinate comes on again. And this goes on 24/7.

 

See also: dehydration, frustration and knocking into walls on my way to the toilet when everything is spinning

 

Die.gif

 

The first public hospital that I saw diagnosed me with an Overactive Bladder condition. I was the only one in my age group (early 20s) then, amongst the elderly women in wheelchairs and diapers. Today, I was also the youngest at the clinic. A private one this time. $600 over dollars for the procedure. (Lord please provide, my family and I might have to feed on grass at this rate) An excruciatingly painful one! I was in tears and even shouted out at one point. “Shiiiiiitttt!” and at another, “Jesus help me”. The doctor must have wanted to laugh being a Christian too. It was dramatic and disgusting, painful and embarrassing etc, etc. I also wanted to punch him when he didn’t stop though I was screaming for him to.

So the conclusion now is that I DON’T have an Overactive Bladder but the infection that lingered and recurred for so many years have only made things worse over time. I didn’t even know I had an infection! The public hospital didn’t tell me anything other than an Overactive Bladder! My current doctor is baffled too that they didn’t inform me. How did I get an infection and this damage to my bladder? Well, I guess things like that can happen when you’re forced into having sex over a couple of years. No I wasn’t raped, but I also did not exactly consent. It was the only way I thought someone loved me. (See ref: childhood issues)

Anyway, now I am home, still going to the toilet even more often now because of the procedure that triggered it. I am bleeding from down there, which is normal after an intrusion into the urethra and currently waiting for an appointment to go for surgery.


Symptoms: High frequency of urination even without fluids entering body and frequency increases even with half a glass of water. Urinating up to 5 times an hour and at times, 3 times in 10 minutes.

Diagnosis: Cystitis inflammation. Nerve – Sensory issues inside bladder resulting in high sensitivity at any intake of fluid. 

Treatment: To expand the size of Urethra and to stretch the bladder to be able to hold at least up to 700ml of fluid at a time. (During the test today I was screaming at 150ml)

Treatment after surgery: To retrain the bladder to hold urinating longer. There are other plans if it fails but let’s not go there. 

 

Die 2.gif

 

Bad: Doctor is worried that I am already having this issue in my 20s as this occurs only to women in their 60s, so he is worried about what would happen as I grow older. I’d probably be in a diaper at 40. Let’s leave this one up to God and let him take care of it.

Good: I am young and retraining the bladder sensitivity will work better than if I am in my 60s.

I left the clinic with the final ultrasound scan indicating that I had about 10ml of urine inside my bladder but I am still passing out way more than that and I am severely dehydrated. Not to mention a vertigo attack in the middle of last night and this morning and I’m still feeling swaying.

So today, this is why I’m depressed. If you read my older posts on some of my story written in parts, you would know how I’ve ended up so messed up.  In the head and now, physically. My childhood, my peers growing up, why I rebelled, why I mutilated myself.(the last time was in 2013 I think, when even I thought I was better. Surprise, surprise) I will continue more parts of my story in posts to come if you are interested.

So yeah, I guess these are the many reasons why I’ve battled depression for over 10 years now. This constant dizziness and daily vertigo already drives me crazy. Now I am worrying about the surgery. I’ve discussed with my doctor about the effects of General Anaesthesia as I’ve never been through a surgery before and he is going to try to control the aftereffects of dizziness and nausea. Thank God (literally) that we were introduced to him, he is very calm, wise and experienced.

At least that is something to thank God for today.

Sometimes God DOES give us too much to handle, but how would we grow stronger if we are never pushed out of our comfort zones?

 

“God gives his strongest battles to his toughest warriors”

 

 

 

Be kind to one another,

xo, Faith

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