I took a short hiatus from posting as the only thing in my head and heart was negativity. I did not want to share that as it may affect others who are struggling similarly. I thank you for your comments on my previous post – the time you took to bother to reply a stranger. Also, for your kind messages on Twitter. I guess I’m still here. Not dead yet. Meh.
The past 3 weeks have been a blur. Not only have I been distracting my thoughts and a tossing salad bowl of emotions by binge watching my interests on TV and my laptop to drowning myself in music (all have worsened my dizziness, headache, blurry vision and vertigo attacks nightly), I have also stopped spending my usual prayer times with God.
All I remember after the fight with my parents that night is me telling God, “Enough.” I did not expect that night to be my ‘last straw’. That night, everything in me ended. The will, the hope, the fight. All these years struggling with my emotions – mental health, and this bizarre chronic dizziness and vertigo equated to nothing. Nothing was worth it anymore.
Prayer? Not worth it. What has come out of my relentless praying, begging, hoping, trusting? Nothing.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying God sucks or anything like that. (Maybe a little) I am saying that, “God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength” (1 Cor 10:13) is not true.
This was something I lived by before the bizarre dizziness happened. I believed it, I lived by it and it was my source of strength to go on when times were hard. However, throughout these tough past 3+ years, my mindset has been changed, reformed.
Maybe God does let us be pushed waaaaaaayyyyy past our limits sometimes. For what reason? I do not know. Maybe I’ll never know.
Perhaps it’s like the saying of how “you would never grow if you never get pushed out of your comfort zone” or something along the lines of broken people only get stronger.
Whatever it is, right now, I do not know. I am hanging on but I’m not sure to what.
I am very depressed and I’m only managing and masking it with the aforementioned ways which has worsened my dizziness, but what else can I do? I simply cannot bear or take any more of this weight.
I guess I just have to accept that I will never have my life back with this seemingly incurable dizziness and vertigo and that my parents will never understand me, as proven on that night. (Not the first time)
My father is a perfect example of what a prayer leader/church community member shouldn’t be. His pride ever since he became one has soared to the highest of heavens, his resoluteness to never admit that he or my mother is in the wrong. His picture-perfect portrait of her when he was never even there 99% of the time. Everything he heard about me or my sister is through my mother, and to him that is enough. To him, that is the most accurate side of the story, no need to listen to mine. Even if he does, he already has a set assumption in his head which is in favour of my mother’s words. So much for listening to both sides of the story. I wonder if he would do the same with his ministry members and say the same things he said to me that night.
Will I actually ever be able to accept all these things? I don’t think so, but I’m still trying.
Maybe I am still clinging on to a wee bit of hope in myself and in God.
I am stuck.
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression