I began today like any other day, feeling down and depressed about my condition that no doctor can seem to find the cure of. Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy. Went to bed with vertigo and also awoke with the splendour of everything spinning around me like how the white rabbit and Alice in ‘Alice in Wonderland’ felt falling through the seemingly endless trip down the hole. Did I also mention the gloriously spectacular show of a kaleidoscopic-blurry vision that made 3D glasses seem like something of the past?
I also languidly went through the whole motion of please save my soul and cure me oh dear Lord for I cannot bear any longer. My spirit faints within me and no one who cares for my soul melodrama. *rolls eyes at myself*
After briefly (slightly over an hour. Or maybe since last night. haha.) allowing myself to wallow in self-pity crying inwardly in an attempt of cathartic release, I pushed myself to turn to scripture.
While I am fully informed of how aware God is to my sufferings and his promises to free us all from it and to carry our crosses with peace and patience until the day comes where he brings us to the land where milk and honey flow, some days are just too difficult and impossible. God will never give us anything we cannot handle? Hmm, I beg to differ. Maybe sometimes he does push us past our limits to break us into a million pieces so as to rebuild us up again with new life.
Me: So God, how long more is it gonna take for you to finally lay your healing on me from this chronic dizziness and vertigo? I’m going crazy over here.
God: “The time has not yet come to rebuild the Temple of the Lord.” – Haggai 1:3
Me: Errr what?? Okayyy..
God: “Reflect carefully how things have gone for you. You have sown much and harvested little; you eat but never have enough, drink but never have your fill, put on clothes but you do not feel warm.” – Haggai 1:5-6
Me: Okay. So I guess you want me to reflect more on my past. My lifestyle and its choices. Yeah, true. I always gave so much but my heart was broken time and time again. I tried to fill my emptiness up with earthly things but they were never near enough. Inside, I longed for someone to love me. Anyone. I just wanted to be treasured but I guess no one on earth can do that. Unfortunately I never felt that from my parents too. I’m a big empty depressed and anxious mess.
God: “So go to the hill country, fetch wood, and rebuild the House; I shall then take pleasure in it, and be glorified there” –Haggai 1:8
Me: Okay, I guess I’m already in the hill country. Being in this unwillingly exiled state at the mercy of my debilitating dizziness. I now have to ‘fetch wood’. Hmmm, I’m assuming this means I need more of you. To seek more of you. The wood to feed the ‘fire’, the desire for your word and love. Then the ‘House’ can be rebuild. We are all temples of God. Our bodies, minds and souls. This temple of mine has been long gone, burnt and destroyed and now you want to make it new. It sure is taking long, but I guess I have yet to repent enough on my past ways for I still miss them sometimes.
‘Truthfulness, if relentless, that digging closer to the centre, is always feared by some. And yet it is a necessity without which no contemplative life has ever been lived.
On the other hand, those who seek to accommodate themselves to others, to conform to the prevailing opinions, who determine their thought with a careful eye on their companions, who pursue communal agreement as an especially esteemed value, these people may live comfortably with their convictions. Yet surely their souls are closed off from the challenges of God that lead to deeper prayer. They are deaf to the spirit of contradiction that God inevitably demands of a soul of deeper prayer.
No one who claims fidelity to God will escape a need to draw away sometimes from easy companionship with the crowd. We must be alone at times, or else we will join with others in compromising spiritual values – thereby losing out true life, not offering what we must for the sake of love.’
Father Donald Haggerty
*emphasis my own
May this personal post of my journey encourage you out there, or someone you know who is suffering tribulations in this life. Be it physically with illness, mentally or spiritually. Always turn to scripture. The answers are in there and it’s all we need to get us through a step at a time. Yes, it is very frustrating at times with the slow pace that God wants to put us on, but there is a reason why people always say patience is one of the greatest teacher. I for one, have succumbed to the consequences of never having patience.
May we also offer up our sufferings through trials and tribulations no matter how big or small it may seem to us to unite with others in the world going through similar things. That we may all hold on to God just for one more day, one more second in the strong belief that there is always a rainbow at the end of a storm.
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression