“MOMMMMM!!! I’m so fat. I’m fat. This is it. I can’t go out like this. I don’t even want to go to the doctors looking like this. I’m so fat. Nothing fits me anymore! Arghhh!”
Sounding like a very hormonal and pubescent teenager don’t I? Well. The fact is, I’m no teenager and the other fact is that I have put on a lot of weight. Really. I’ve always been slightly underweight, on the skinny side. My insecurity was always my tummy as I have IBS issues and bloat at almost anything that enters my system, even water. Friends always tell me I’m too skinny but the fact was that I loved to eat. So much. I wouldn’t go to the extent of saying I indulged in ‘Gluttony’ but maybe sometimes I did in the ‘Sweet Treats’ aspect. Oh, if my sweet tooth could save the day I’d be the first to step up. I drink pure syrup or eat sugar cubes meant for teas. Honestly I’ve never thought that was a problem though people keep telling me it is. So I conforming-ly agree with them though deep down an evil voice tells me it’s fine and sugar makes me happy. (haha)
[Anorexia] I’ve always had weight and image self-esteem issues. Things worsened along my teenage years especially the fragile and overly-sensitive years of 15-16. At first, I refused to eat. I lived on water and cigarettes. Maybe an occasional sweet or biscuit. Then things got so bad. I have gastric issues and not eating made them worst. One day, I started seeing white spots, then an aura around my vision. A halo. “Maybe it’s my time to go?” I thought. I felt my body involuntarily lean forward and before I crashed head first down the stairs, I managed to grab on the the handle bar and sat down.
[Bulimia] So I decided to do it the other way. Throwing up whatever I ate. It was tough sometimes because not all the food would come up. Some of my friends purged so easily but there I was stuffing fingers and toothbrushes down my throat with less than 50% of what I ate coming up. That left me more frustrated and annoyed. Then one day, we began to notice one of my bulimic friend’s cheeks. They were very swollen, her teeth became really yellow and she just looked bloated. Water retention. That’s when we were educated about how the acidity from the vomit that comes up messes with our teeth and causes our cheeks to bloat. That particular friend of mine threw up way more than the rest of us. So I freaked out. My face shape is already hereditary. Round. No angles. Just, round. Which I’ve despised till now. Some friends called me chopsticks because of my stick thin legs and others called me moon because of my round face. So I said no thanks to bulimia and a rounder face and called quits with our camaraderie.
From then on, my eating patterns were plain messed up. I ate rubbish and junk and hated proper meals. I guess they made me feel fatter than if I was just snacking on sweets and biscuits. As I grew into my twenties, I enjoyed eating more and had new friends who loved eating too. I didn’t really increase in size because I had a very active lifestyle. And I mean, ACTIVE. Teaching Speech and Drama is so physically draining and I would party almost 3 times a week and even had dance classes. I was constantly tired and lived off energy drinks and alcohol.
Now, with this condition (vestibular migraine) that leaves me dizzy ALL THE FREAKING TIME with daily vertigo, my motions are limited. I am always home mostly sitting and the only time I go out is to the doctors or the occasional trip to the grocery store which leaves my vision trippy as if looking through a kaleidoscope lens or walking on water/jelly. (balance issues) Over 3 years of being in this state has caused me to gain about 5-6kg. Which is ABOMINABLE. I can’t fit into 99% of my clothes and have resorted to baggy pants or tights with loose t-shirts. GOD FORBID I SHOW MY ARMS. I never owned t-shirts as I perspire easily but now, I have no choice but to do so because of my elephant arms. Chopstick legs are gone too. Hardly any ‘thigh gap’.
Regina: “Sweatpants are all that fits me now..”
Gretchen: “… You can’t sit with us!“
I’ve watched that movie a million times. This scene has been on replay a gazillion times too. I’m upset of course. With the medical bills, I can’t afford to buy clothes and not being able to fit in whatever I have really pricks a needle into my butt. It’s highly annoying. Disgusting. Everyday I look in the mirror and cry at how fat I’ve become. I’ve tried eating less since my movements are so sedentary now but I only managed to drop 1-2kg and it always goes up again. My chiropractor and vestibular rehab therapist has taught me some light workouts I can do on days where my dizziness is more manageable. Unfortunately, we realise that the moment my body heats up and my heart rate starts to pump, the vertigo triggers. It’s so frustrating! I can’t even do simple exercises to keep me healthy much less lose the extra weight I’ve gained. My waist is expanding quicker than Venice is sinking.
I pray that Jesus will enlighten me. Why can’t I ever seem to love myself? Even when some who have seen me in this state say that I look healthier now and that this is normal. They said I was too skinny before. Why can’t I see what they see? I’m not into body shaming and very against it but why am I so harsh on myself? How come it’s possible for me to tell my bigger-than-me- size friends that the important thing is that they love and are comfortable with themselves, big or small and that I love them no matter what but I can’t say it to myself? Sheesh. This is exhausting. Being dizzy is crap, having vertigo EVERY SINGLE DAY sucks the life out of me. In fact, I’m recovering from 2 bouts of vertigo right now that lasted a couple of hours each.
Maybe it’s the environment that I grew up in during my teen years, the friends that I hung out with that has moulded my mentality about myself this way. It’s a very unhealthy vision I know.
Until next time..
Jesus, help me to see what you see in me. Help me to love me.
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression