“I gotta go I gotta go! Oh God please help me, please please let me release it!”
I screamed inside and out from the toilet seat last night. The pressure was building, my head was throbbing and my vision, an earthquake. Sweat flooding my body entirely from my scalp to my eyeballs and down my arms and legs. I felt like a pressure cooker beeping and a whistling kettle almost toppling over with hot boiling water.
I hadn’t been able to pee for hours. This began two days ago and I had to call and wake my doctor at 4.30am in a state of controlled panic that I couldn’t empty my full bladder. He told me to hug a hot water bottle, down more fluids and walk around. It helped and though I wasn’t able to empty completely, at least some of it was trickling out. Oh, did I mention it came with a lot of blood? A LOT.
Just as I thought the flow was getting smoother, I went back to his clinic yesterday afternoon as he advised and did an ultrasound.
(The black hole is urine and the white lumps inside were clots ranging from about 3-7cm)
I visited my doctor at about 3 in the afternoon and again I wasn’t able to pee. As he suspected, blood clots were the issue. He suggested ways to help me but first to go home and try drinking more fluid and to shake my lower body around before I tried to pee. (To shake the clots away from the entry).
Many hours later, I still wasn’t able to pee and my urge got unbearable. It was excruciatingly pain not being able to pee and it started to burn deep inside me. I called my doctor’s emergency line again and we both met at the Emergency department. All eyes were on me as I stumbled in being in pain and feeling oh so dizzy as usual. The staff worked quickly with my registration and kept an eye on me. I was so embarrassed being in that state with the other patients there too. I was drenched in sweat, breathing in and out quite loudly and couldn’t even sit still on the chair, moving and cringing. I was so thankful that the taxi driver sped like an F1 driver with absolute skill and somehow not managing to trigger off my motion sickness. Or maybe I was in too much pain to feel it.
My doctor hadn’t arrived. Inside I screamed, “Lord Jesus please help me. Please. I feel like my insides are about to explode! JESUS HELP ME!”. I felt the pressure rising instantaneously and thought if my prayer had a reverse effect. I ran (more like limp and wobbled) to the toilet, and the moment I sat.. BBAAMMMMMM!!! Blood clots were pouring out of me. “Alien Vs Predator” immediately came into my mind. I have never felt such a force leave my body. (I have never given birth and I’m not married)
I looked down and the entire toilet bowl was filled and splattered with blood. As if someone dropped a bloodbomb (not water) into it. I felt SO MUCH RELIEF. However, only the clots came out, my pee was still stuck and I felt pressure slowly building again. Thankfully my doctor arrived and we spent quite some time draining and flushing. They drained whatever was left of my blood and clots (An entire pail) and proceeded to place a catheter in me. Then we flushed and drained with saline repeatedly not before having many hiccups with the tube and everything splashing all over the bed wetting even my t-shirt.
“What a stupid tube. Hopeless. Tell them not to buy this stupid tube anymore“, my doctor mumbled to the nurse in a low, soft and gentle voice clearly annoyed but still calm. Apparently this wasn’t the regular tube that could be screwed in tightly, it was leaking everywhere and even dislodged itself at one point shooting out the saline they were pumping into me causing both he and the nurses to jump backwards. At least that caused some laughter in all of us as he said, “Failed demonstration” and all was calm again. And guess what, the miracle happened: “All your clots are gone! Your body must have exploded them out just now. It’s gone, nothing. All empty. Wow. It’s a miracle.” My doctor said in amusement. THANK YOU JESUS. I HOPE THEY DON’T EVER COME BACK.
I started feeling the vertigo come on somewhere in the middle. It must have been the physical stress and me moving around so much. My neck was hurting too and having to lie for so long during the procedure triggered it. Luckily, I managed to get home without spinning too badly yet but it set off entirely throughout the night as I attempted to sleep.
(Mom made it into a ‘handbag’ so I can hang it on my shoulders walking around the house)
Now I am home with the catheter still in me, but no blood, all clear and we’ll head back to his clinic tomorrow to remove it and see if I can pee. What could be worse? My period came. My period is one of those apocalyptic ones. Insanely painful. Mind-boggling painful. Down-to-my-knees painful. Vomiting painful. Migraine headache painful and not to mention INCREASED dizziness. I am typing this on a very blurry vision and got a few spins and ringing in my left ear typing this.
For now, I am uncomfortable and sitting on a donut cushion wishing all this would quickly pass.. I think I’m having somewhat of a mild PTSD (Haha), the episode keeps playing in my mind and alerting my stressors. Thank you God and please continue to help me. I am pushed way past my mental threshold. The dizziness is too much to handle on top of the pain and discomforts. I’m trying to be strong and not cry. I can do this.
“Jesus, lover of my soul. Jesus I will never let you go”
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression