In my previous post, I mentioned a visit to a Urogynecologist, that was four days ago. And it’s been hell. As I mentioned, the procedure caused me so much pain that my stress mode was in: HIGH. The vertigo has crippled me since then worsening day-by-day eating whatever that’s left of my pathetic being. I spun the moment I lay down in attempt to sleep and if I managed to with the spinning (only been getting a couple of hours), I’d wake up with vertigo again. This is along with the headache form of migraine too which constantly feels like someone is jabbing my head with a knife to rip out my brain from my skull. I took the new medication I’m trying out on top of Nortriptyline but it made me feel worse. (Side effects: Nausea and Vomiting). The vomiting caused more pain in my neck. My vision has been blurry. I’m barely making out what I’m typing right now, but I’ve got to write. I’m miserable and suicidal. I have been seated so still on my chair 24/7 I’m going crazy. The vertigo is stabilising now but the headache is relentless. I’m still popping Arcoxia to manage so I’m going to make this post a quick one.
“To my words give ear, O Lord, give heed to my groaning.” -Psalm 5:1
Where did it go wrong? How did I end up this way? I’ve questioned and answered myself many times but still, no closure. No acceptance. How can anyone accept being dizzy all the time? Vertigo daily? Migraine headaches?
But God… You spoke to me through scripture, through the holy spirit that you would heal me for sure. People who’ve prayed for me, laid hands over me all received the same message from scripture for me: That I will be healed. So why has it been over 3 years to no avail? I have renounced my past ways, lifestyle choices, asked for forgiveness, renounced any bondages etc. So what am I not doing or doing right? Why am I still not healed?
“O Lord, listen to my prayer and let my cry for help reach you.
Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress.
Turn your ear towards me and answer me quickly when I call.
The bread I eat is ashes; my drink is mingled with tears.
In your anger, Lord, and your fury you have lifted me up and thrown me down.
My days are like a passing shadow and I wither away like grass…”
God reveals his answer:
God doesn’t always answer through the means that he usually does to you. Be it scripture or worship songs or through a person. Sometimes it is through the voice of your heart. Have you ever had a thought that caught yourself off guard? Like “Woah, where did THAT come from. The mere human mind definitely could not have come up with that.”
And sometimes, silence is his answer. This time for me, I am recalling the verses in which he answered me before. There are days where he speaks to me without stopping through scripture and then there are dark times like this where it’s silent. Deafeningly silent driving me to absolute insanity. 1- Now, I realise that it’s for me to recall his promises of healing.
2- It is also a time to reflect and repent on past actions, everything that has led up to this day whether or not it was within our control or our own choices. I have recognised the sinful lifestyle I was living in but I didn’t realise the unhappiness those choices brought with it. Sometimes God inflicts quick punishment to make us realise and wake up.
3- We need to know that he IS merciful and forgiving. He is gracious. He wants us to be freed from all life’s distress and unhappiness. He wants us all to himself so he answers us by ‘forcing’ us to be alone at times so we will lean on him completely. He takes care of EVERYTHING when we let go and lean on him. Can you imagine having a father like that? To surrender and let go of control over everything because you know the outcome will always be the best for you? How cool is that.
So whether or not God is actively responding to you or silent, the answer is always there. We cannot always aim to see signs of his work. If we could see it all the time why would it be called faith? Faith is believing though you cannot see the next step. Faith comes from what is heard, and what is heard comes from the word of Christ.
So keep the faith! Don’t let anyone or anything keep you down. God does not answer your prayer the way YOU want him to. Read the book of Job, the answer is clear at the end. If you don’t get it, read it again and again. :)
Let go, accept and just be. Wherever you are right now is where you are meant to be.
“Darkness is nothing before His light”
Be kind to one another,
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