(Please see ‘About’ for the purpose of this blog)
“I feel so much better today compared to the last time I was here” I quietly think to myself without getting overly excited (which can trigger the vertigo too).
Family friend’s poolside party and looking at the kids play in the pool wasn’t so dizzy and nausea-inducing compared to before. Weather was cool, thank God (heat is a trigger).
“Hey this isn’t so bad. Maybe my tolerance to the dizziness and motion sickness has increased“, I silently thank God and wish it would stay this way forever. Until……
One of the bigger kids got too carried away and weighed down on a smaller kid. He couldn’t come up to breathe, he was drowning under the weight of this older kid. Everyone else is caught up in conversation, I was the only one looking. I sprung out of my chair and bent down in one swift motion at the curb of the pool just in time, he managed to struggle out and up for air. I grabbed onto his arm looking down (BAD IDEA) toward him. He’s crying hysterically clearly in shock. I get him out, his dad comes over and we all cover him in a towel and stare at the other kid. It’s not his fault he’s still a kid, but at the same time he’s old enough to know you can’t play that way. I feel anger but knowing he’s young too calmed us all down. He was alone, I guess he came down alone for a swim.
Things settle, he calms down and munches on a chocolate cupcake then he’s back in the pool but far away from the older boy and this time, in the baby pool. Shallow water.
Then it began, the vertigo. On and off lasting about a min. On and off on and off until today. Today is the 5th day. It must have been the swift motion of me reacting to instinct to run over jumping out of my chair and then to bend down immediately, plus the panic that probably caused a blood rush.
So here I am, just from a single trigger FIVE DAYS AGO. The aftereffects are still here. I am depressed, got really suicidal for the past two days. I’m questioning God. I’m questioning life, desperately. I can’t stand being dizzy anymore. It’s been 3 years. I am useless. I’m a burden. Haven’t been sleeping well because the vertigo triggers when I lie down so I have to sit up to stop it. This goes on for the entire night.
Image via Tumblr
My eyes are dead, circles darker than usual. I crave for chocolates, sweets, because of the lack of proper sleep – appetite, and also because I’m so depressed I just want to eat myself to death. But then, I’m fat. I’ve already gained so much weight from the lack of ability to move around due to the dizziness. And I’ve been battling with weight issues since forever. Lack of sleep and the stress from that also causes acne. Oh. My. Gosh. Just let me die. Please.
I’m still dizzy, bouts of vertigo, spinning. My vision is blurry, I can barely make out the words I’m typing. A headache form of this migraine has been here for 5 days too. It is relentless and throbbing, stabbing the front of my head. I still type this, why? I just want to be heard. Does anyone hear my struggle?
Jesus, help me. Please.
Today I doubt. Today I am weak.
Today, I really wish for death.
“If death must come, to die valiantly, with exclamation – in short, to remain a memory” -Cesare Pavese
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression