Welcome To My Death

 (Please see ‘About’ for the purpose of this blog)

How often do you think about dying?

How many times has the thought crossed your mind? Is it normal for a human being to think about death and is it negative all the time? I thought about this the past couple of days and especially today where my entire being smells like death. I’ve been looking around for any sign of a grim reaper because today, I am so ready to die.

Instead of blabbering on about my condition and how it ruined my mood of a somewhat nice day yesterday before the dizziness and headaches came on and led to vertigo at night, I would like to talk about death. Factually. (Though I was tempted to take my life again today I decided to research about why people think about death especially in sickness or loneliness)

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Image from Tumblr

Now, death is a factual event that we eventually have to face but sometimes and most often we experience death even before we actually die, physically. Emotional death. Mental death. Spiritual death.

“When we imagine our emotions as we approach death, we think mostly of sadness and terror,” says psychological scientist Kurt Gray of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. “But it turns out, dying is less sad and terrifying – and happier – than you think”

Yes indeed, death is a marvellous prospect. It is a dream come true. Away from this damaged world with deranged and destructive beings. What’s wrong with thinking about death? What’s wrong with wanting to die? Especially when you get sick and your loved ones leave you. Or you still feel empty and lonely inside even if they stay . Why must we stay strong and fight on? Why must we stay positive and be the better person and listen to people stating: “Death is just an easier option” and that it’s only for cowards?

“It’s only when I’m awake that I think about dying” – All The Bright Places, Jennifer Niven

When people are left lonely, sad and without love people can die of broken-heartedness. And a broken heart can happen from all sorts of situations, we are in no position to judge a person’s threshold of being hurt. I mentioned in my previous post about how a person can get sick from being depressed. A person can also die from a broken heart.

“Every year millions of lonely people… die broken-hearted, long before their time. It’s a silent epidemic,” – A Cry Unheard, Dr. James Lynch

“Samuels collects stories of previously healthy people who have suddenly died of a heart attack from massive overdoses of stress chemicals that are often dumped into the blood stream after a stressful event” – Dr. Martin Samuels, head of Neuro-cardiology department at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts.

So what do we do? What can we do when everything and nothing seems to work out in our life. Something always goes wrong in everything that we do. We wish for death don’t we? Well at least many of us do because it’s that much easier. Then why does God call life a ‘gift‘? How can it possibly be a gift when it relentlessly slams us down to the ground again and again and AGAIN like the villains in superhero stories that never seem to be able to just GO AWAY.

“How long O Lord, will you forget me?
How long will you hide your face?
How long must I bear grief in my soul,
this sorrow in my heart day and night?…”

-Psalms 13:2-3


Now let’s see what Jesus says:

“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” – John 8:12

Hmmm, then why do we have so many people walking and living in darkness even if they are a believer? Does this mean that a believer should not be depressed? That depression should not exist because you believe in God? I knew a friend who once had another friend tell her, “If you love God and pray enough you should not be depressed. You will never have depression. So maybe your faith isn’t strong enough or you just don’t love God enough”. Well how do you think I reacted to that? (in my head of course). I punched her in the face. (not sorry) How can people be so insensitive? And yet it made me think. It does kind of make sense right? Like the bible verse above. Why would we still be shrouded in darkness if we are following Jesus even with faith the size of a mustard seed? He is bright enough to shine out the darkness in our hearts and minds so, why?


“Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” – John 11:25-26


Okay now that’s really confusing, but give yourself time to read the words over and over.

“The one who believes in me will live, even though they die..


For whatever reason we may die, sickness in the body or mind, as long as we believe in God, that there is a God and that there is a reason for everything that happens even when we we take our final breath, with a small fraction of our heart believing in Him, our souls will never die. We will see and meet him again. Happy, eternally, LIVING.

“and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.”
It is because of my faith, whatever that is left of it and my curiosity about the meaning of this ‘gift’ called life that I will never die. I still choose to fight the suicidal thoughts because I know God is greater than my thoughts. There must be a reason why he gave us life. Why he made us though he knew we would be so damaged, though bad things happen to us. So by believing in him, we will never die emotionally, spiritually or mentally though we feel so strongly that we might/are on certain days. Though people die of illness.


I hope this serves as an encouragement to you as it does to me. Before letting evil take over my mind I need to pursue the meaning of the ‘gift’. Until then, I will not die, even if my physical self does due to illness. I hope you will join me in that pursuit of the meaning of the ‘gift‘.
Fight on. It is a waste if you give up on yourself because you are so much more than you think you know/are. It’s tiring but though I’m unsure, I’m also pretty sure we are not here without a reason.


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Image from Tumblr


So death, I apologise, today you are un-invited.


“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.” – Ernest Hemingway

Be kind to one another,xo, Faith


Tweet me @Godvsdepression



2 thoughts on “Welcome To My Death

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