“No, I don’t want to be healed”

(Please see About for the purpose of this blog)

PS: For new visitors, I encourage you to read from my first post as my posts are usually continuations. First post here: https://godvsdepression.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/depression-really/

 

(I seem to be having spacing issues between paragraphs though I have edited html)
 

  “I know it’s not easy but you have to keep trying to go down for a walk”  
  “I think it’s about whether you want to give yourself this opportunity”
  “You can do it if you decide to”
  “Keep claiming healing, don’t stop”
  “Take this (medication), it will help to ease the physical pain”
  “If you believe you will be healed, have stronger faith”
 
 
Can you guess what today’s topic is? Yes, people making it sound as if I don’t want to be healed. As if I am choosing to rest in this ‘luxuriating’ state . Point number one, if I can walk do you think I would not? Do you think I’d rather continue being cooped up in my home even after over a year already? Do you think that I have not been constantly talking to God every.single.second about every.single.thing and begging him to have mercy on me and to look upon my little faith and heal me? I know that the painkillers won’t work because I know what type of pain it is. Do you not think I want to go back to work? To have a life, to socialise with people?

The purpose of this post is to raise awareness, not hating or anything. Forgive me if my words might come across as being angry.

I spent a few nights this week going to bed in a pillow of water. It surprises me, the insensitivity of humanity. It is as though they look upon me as someone who WANTS to be cooped up at home to wallow in self pity. (Are you aware of how difficult it is to keep someone with ADHD homebound?) Maybe it is because I don’t LOOK dizzy that’s why they don’t understand. (How does a person look dizzy?) Yes I can use the computer, I can watch television, read and use my mobile phone more comfortably than before now and I can walk better, balance wise. But do you know how I’m feeling when I am doing these things? When I LOOK okay? No. This is what I feel like EVERY.SINGLE.SECOND. This is my vision and what I feel in my body EVERY.SINGLE.SECOND:
 
 
(Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars. There are some parts of this video that accurately describes my vision ALL THE TIME. The parts are: 1.08-1.10min, 1.15-1.18min, 1.29-1.32min)
 

https://youtu.be/OPf0YbXqDm0
 
 
Tell me now, would YOU be able to walk or work with this vision? Constantly feeling like you’re on tumultuous waters? Everything around you always moving in a variety of directions? When you are talking to someone and the entire room behind them starts moving rapidly throwing off your centre of gravity? Wouldn’t you have motion sickness 24/7? Yes, that’s exactly what I go through, see also: nausea and then having people tell me that I need more faith and maybe I should try going back to work because they understand that I do not have the confidence anymore?HA.HA.HA. It’s like being drunk/tipsy all the time, not to mention I have such unbearable pains in my shoulder, neck and head. I am awaiting the next visit from the kind-hearted chinese physician again at the end of this month, I have a feeling my alignment popped out of place again. Then again, I don’t even know what it is anymore.
 

Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard..” -Hebrews 2:1
 

Forgive me for what seems to be a ‘rant’ post. I am just so fed up of people being so ignorant to ‘invisible illnesses’. This doesn’t just apply to my chronic vertigo, I see so many people on social media being ignorant to so many things. All these things I’ve said applies to other illnesses of all forms like depression, anxiety, ADHD etc.. There are so many conditions out there that are not obvious disabilities compared to someone with a broken leg, an arm, a facial/body deformity, down-syndrome etc. So PLEASE. Do not be insensitive and ignorant. Find out more about what someone you know is really suffering from before making comments and ‘encouraging’ speeches like this. It is NOT a choice of willpower, to decide that “Oh okay, I shall try going back to work like what you said.” NO. Willpower does not even have a fitting place in vertigo. I sure have A LOT of willpower let me tell you that, there are moments where I tell myself to heck it and just go out alone, take the train/bus, whatever and surpass my vertigo. But hey, when you stand up and the ground is moving, tell me if it is up to WILLPOWER. It is like telling someone with cancer: “It’s up to your willpower to want to go back to work” Yeah, with their unfathomable pain, nausea, breathlessness and whatever else we will never know of unless we’ve had cancer? RIDICULOUS. ABSOLUTELY ABSURD.
 

I seriously feel so hurt and disgusted too at humanity in moments like this. You see me writing, you talk to me through text but you don’t see what’s going on physically. You don’t see the nights where I can’t sleep because the room is spinning and I’m on a crazy merry-go-round though I’m lying on my bed, you don’t see the thoughts going through my head and how the depression and anxiety paralyses me from even the smallest things like getting out of bed and brushing my teeth which takes up a massive load of willpower, you don’t see the physical pain I’m in when you are on the other side of the phone or because I choose not to show it though you are right in front of me.
 

I choose to smile yes, because deep in me I know that Jesus Christ my Lord and saviour has a purpose through this. Even in my moments of sheer frustration, when I want to scream or jump off a building to end this suffering.
 

“Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and disappointments; but let us have patience, and we soon shall see them in their proper figures” – Joseph Addison
 
May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing with hope” -Romans 15:13


 
To anyone who is experiencing the same sorts of insensitivity thrown at you, give it up to God. He is the only one that understands everything, you don’t need understanding from any mortals, only Him. If you are feeling hopeless and you cannot understand the illness you are going through, He knows.
 
Do not fear; I will help you” – Isaiah 41:13

 

Whatever it is, just keep holding on. Keep fighting, don’t let the devil ensnare you. Sickness is not from God. God is our healer, not punisher.
 
The Lord is with you mighty warrior” – Judges 6:12

 

 

 
Be kind to one another,

xo, Faith

Tweet me @Godvsdepression

https://twitter.com/godvsdepression

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