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PS: For new visitors, I encourage you to read from my first post as my posts are usually continuations. First post here: https://godvsdepression.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/depression-really/
As I mentioned in the previous post, I apologise for the absence. My vertigo not only prevented me from functioning but also magnetised my very own personal rain cloud upon my mental being. Some of you are kind enough to give me your words of encouragement and shared your stories with me through DMs on Twitter or comments. Very much appreciated. :)
A couple of days ago I was texting a friend who always has a strange ability to see things from a point of view that no one can. He also has his own sense of humour which I absolutely adore. As I have been ‘subconsciously suppressing’ my emotions, according to my counsellor as a defence mechanism from all the trauma this year, a situation that happened caused a minor eruption within me.
Every time something triggers me, I find it difficult to express or explain what’s going on within from the layers of hurt. My words come out staggered, messy and I am almost inconsolable. Of course in this present situation, the foremost struggle is my chronic vertigo. I believe in the word of God, the factual stories in the bible. Why then am I not suffering with joy like the saints? How can I know the immensity of the love of God and not be joyful in my suffering? I asked God.
‘Let it be known to all of you, and to all the people of Israel, that this man is standing here before you in good health by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth..” – Acts 4:10
Why is my faith being tested when I merely always and only have little faith? My faith is not big enough to be tested, so I thought. Honestly right now, depression is looming. Like a death-eater, vulture, waiting for its prey to willingly release its last breath. I am feeling hopeless, mood-less, whatever you can add a ‘less’ to: happy-less, joyful-less, peaceful-less etc. (hahahaha) but I simply want to share that God always has a plan. He sent me a message as I had a conversation with an Uber driver the other day who told me he is a ‘fallen’ Angelican christian but who still believes in God. Throughout our spirit-filled conversation he kept telling me this at intervals: “Do not give up”. The more he said it, the more I realised that the Holy Spirit was speaking through him.
To top off the icing on the cake as they always say, my younger sister got into a bad bicycle accident and busted some veins in her thigh area. She is now unable to stand or walk. “One more family member down” I thought to myself. What hit me though was one evening where I had to bathe her and my vertigo just went crazy. I felt like the word ‘useless’ was thoroughly working through me. My mom has a bad back, my dad is at work most of the time. And here I am, useless to not be able to take care of my sister fully. But then, God manifests his special care for the powerless.
Why do we all have stumbling blocks in life, big or small? What are they for? If God already died for us, for the salvation of our souls and sins, why do we still have to suffer? Why are there billions of people out there dying of hunger? Why is there such an outrage of poverty on the other side of the world when on this side we are indulging in complete and utter selfishness and sin? My main question of course was.. Why do I have to stumble? why ME? I just want to relinquish my existence.
“..have they stumbled so as to fall? By no means! But through their stumbling, salvation has come..” -Romans 11:11
“..for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” – Genesis 28:15
I only received these words from God on certain days of course, I am not as receptive all the time because I am so tired of being sick I spend most of my days just lying down and staring into blank space. But see, God always answers when you are ready.
With regards to the title of this post, that is what that dear friend of mine reminded me. “Gold tested in fire”. That’s what is happening right now, God is moulding me, allowing me to be tested. Look at all the fictional superheroes, they are all tested at some point. Tempted to give up but they find the power and will within right at the last second because they know that good will always overcome evil. And I know deep inside me that I can overcome the devil’s attempted works on me.
“..the work of each builder will become visible, for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each has done. If what has been built on the foundation survives, the builder will receive a reward. If the work is burned up, the builder will suffer loss; the builder will be saved, but only as through fire.” – 1 Corinthians 3:13-15
Take a look at the last sentence. That is what is happening to me. My foundation in God was mere scrap material. Easily ‘burnt’. I have lost everything, but how will I be saved? “only as through fire“.. This is another chance God is giving me to build a rock solid foundation in him.
My friends, do not give up. REFUSE to live with whatever you are suffering with. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Do not care about what people say, what doctors tell you. Seek the proper help that works for you and most of all, I cannot emphasise enough: rely on the word of God. It is the only truth that comes with action from Christ. He will never leave you. Hang on with all your might, DO NOT GIVE UP.
“Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” – Psalm 27:14
Be kind to one another,
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