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PS: For new visitors, I encourage you to read from my first post as my posts are usually continuations. First post here: https://godvsdepression.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/depression-really/
As I lay my head to rest last night, BAAM. There it was, stronger than the day before. Swaying, back and forth.. side to side.. Relentless, vigorous waves of the ocean. Just as I thought my vertigo was getting better, that we finally found a cure.. See also: Nausea, migraine, pain in my eyes. I took forever to sleep and when I awoke this morning, it hit me even harder. I feel as though I am on a one-of-a-kind cruise ship right now. My entire being feels like it’s rocking non stop and I feel sick.
God, where are you? The devil sure seems like an ardent fan of mine. I can hear his voice. Subtle, low but vehement.
“I told you it would never go away. The Lord keeps allowing me to test you, push you to the edge. Now do you think he really loves you? HAHAHA. Wake up kiddo, he’s watching you perish. He’s playing a big fat joke on you. Why would a loving father sit and watch his precious daughter suffer for that long? Follow me, come back and worship me just like you did before.”
He is… kinda right.. What kind of God who claims to be all merciful and loving can bear to watch me suffer this way? Giving me hope time and time again thinking that I’ve found a cure to this chronic vertigo only to slam me right freaking (trying so hard not to curse here) back down. Almost as if I can hear God saying “HAHA. SUCKER” Why are you allowing this Lord. WHY!!!!!!!!! *Rage* I burst out momentarily in tears as I waited for the kettle to boil earlier on. 5 seconds of tears and I stopped myself. Stop. It. Now. Crying doesn’t solve anything.
I remember.. sometimes God the Father disciplines us just like any Father would. “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child” – Hebrews 12:6
In the last few days of prayer, the words ‘Repentance’ and ‘Reparation’ has been surfacing. I don’t understand why or how long I have to repent and be restored when God can just help me with a click of a finger or with the blink of an eye because right now I just want to die (It’s just the way I feel right now) but I guess I will keep fighting on because I know God has a plan for me. To prosper and not harm me, to give me a future with hope (Jeremiah 29:11)
“.. For the day of the Lord is near in the valley of decision. The sun and moon are darkened, and the stars withdraw their shining….. But the Lord is a refuge for his people, a stronghold for the people of Israel” – Joel 3:14-16
Darkness has to come before light. The lower you go, the higher the catapult back up. Jesus, help me in my unbelief. The devil has got a hold of my foot now. Hold me please. My flesh is weak. I want to give up, I’m tired. There is no cure to this illness.
“And by faith in his name, his name itself has made this man strong,… and the faith that is through Jesus has given him this perfect health in the presence of all of you” – Acts 3:16
Keep fighting on, keep going everyone. The Lord will save us from all, anything. Nothing is impossible for him. Depression, illness, whatever..
Be kind to one another,
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