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PS: For new visitors, I encourage you to read from my first post as my posts are usually continuations. First post here: https://godvsdepression.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/depression-really/
I apologise for the disappearance of my soul from this portal of momentary escapism from my afflictions. The past week has been really harsh and detrimental on both my mental and physical wellbeing. I had 5 straight days of undettering migraine on top of my vertigo and longed for any sort of relief. Failed to attain obviously. A chinese physician (3rd one I’ve seen) came to visit my home to attempt to treat my vertigo. Found out that I am anaemic too. Condition seems to be improving. Will monitor. Very thankful. However, let’s not talk about my vertigo for now.
I had some friends who came to visit me over lunch on sporadic days. Really thankful for the company and time they took off to visit. It’s strange how God works. On the days I feel terribly lonely, for I have been alone for really long now, someone would remember me. This is the consequence for being sick in this day and age now. Life is too fast paced, people are constantly on the move, no time to stop, no time for the sick.
I found myself enjoying their company of course. Jokes and laughter definitely helped emotionally. One thing that dawned on me however, which was and still is quite frightening to some extent is, halfway through our conversations.. I felt really.. guilty. Or whenever they asked me how I’ve been coping. I noticed that I clammed up immediately. Internally of course. I didn’t want to tell them about it. I didn’t want to share. Though talking about my vertigo has been the sine qua non of almost every conversation I’ve had with whoever I come in contact with, because there’s nothing else going on in my life. I felt guilty of being sick.
Since the conversations and meetings, I’ve been feeling really frustrated. Down in the pit. Unable to feel completely positive, as if something so heavy spiritually is weighing down on me and I keep trying to stand up but it’s too heavy. I don’t feel much when I read the Bible now, so all I can do is journal. Belching all my feelings onto paper. Sometimes I feel like burning it up.
Nobody seems to be able to understand me. I just started this telemarketing job from home and I am so annoyed by it. I feel like it was forced upon me and I couldn’t reject it. I don’t know why. Urgh. No one understands that when the day comes where my vertigo fully recovers (which Im still trying very hard to believe but yet I do), I have to learn to walk again. To be a human again. It’s not so much of just returning to my usual activities. I’ve forgotten what it is to feel balanced and not spin. It’s like having to learn how to breathe again or learning a whole new language.
Seriously, no one understands except God. I’m feeling so frustrated I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to talk and honestly I wrecked my brains figuring what to talk about here on this blog. I can’t seem to orchestrate my feelings into waterworks, though I have been encouraged to for the healing process.
It seems very likely that I am so sick of crying and being hurt that I can’t cry anymore. I’d rather not speak or share with anyone about what goes on inside me. I’d rather just be quiet because I can’t trust anyone. Even the cashier at the supermarket, the old man who walks toward me in the park, the people I’m living with, the people who have been praying for me.
Should I be worried? Lord, have mercy.
Keep going, you out there.
“..for you alone, Lord, make me secure” – Psalms 4:9
Be kind to one another,
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