Tears of the Night, Fight the Fight

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My days were going seemingly well. The vertigo was stable, manageable. My mood was stable. I was going strong. Enduring. Trusting that this vertigo will be gone soon. God promised. He heals all. I long so desperately for my head to feel normal again, balanced, stable. For my ears and head to feel normal, not blocked, filled with ‘water’ or pressure, no ringing sounds.

I went to visit my grandma in hospital 3 days ago. I was happy I survived the cab ride there. Me and my cousins planned to surprise her together. We had a good chat with my grandma. Then we headed for tea at the Cafeteria while she got some rest. In my heart, I was thanking God for the time I have with my cousins. We laughed, we joked. It wasn’t too loud for me or too bright. It was manageable. I was so appreciative. Yes I was swaying, I was nauseous but it was alright. So thankful, so joyful.

Then, just as lighting strikes without warning, the room started spinning again. It began with my cousins being very still but everything behind them started moving. Faster and faster and soon my pupils could not keep up with the speed. I closed my eyes and breathed while my body sent lies to my neurological sensors. I was on a merry-go-round. I called Jesus. “Please Lord, I really am enjoying my time out of the house. Please, have mercy. Please.”

My cousins helped me up as we made our way back to the ward. I sat in a corner, prepared my plastic bag that I always carry with me just in case of involuntary projectile functions. I kept calm and breathed. Then my cousins laughter, breathing, light, footsteps heightened, increasing in volume. My heart jumped at every single sound. I begged the Lord to see me through. I really wanted to spend more time outdoors, I didn’t want to go back home so quickly as I’ve been cooped up for over a year.

Anger arrived. Smiling at me. Why. Why does this *bleep* vertigo have to always be here?!?! WHYYYYY ARRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I dug whatever bible verses I knew and threw it out. I can do this, emotions will feed the spinning.

Slowly, it slowed down and I managed to even have dinner with my cousins with my ear plugs on before I started spinning again and headed home. That night, I couldn’t sleep. My body, stable and secure on my bed but my vestibular system spun me around and around. I prayed the rosary repeatedly the entire night through the saltiness of my tears. Mother Mary, won’t you intercede harder for me?

Day 2: I am a zombie. No sleep. Nauseous, giddy, unstable. Eyes unable to stay open. My vision is blur, the walls of my house are vibrating, moving, swaying, spinning. I barely sleep again, my head still spinning. I keep a poker face, I don’t want to show my family how much pain I am in mentally and emotionally. I cry in the shower while I try to wash my hair without falling over, I can’t remember the last time I actually can wash my hair properly. (I can’t tilt back, I can’t scrub my head because of the motion). I think of my friends who left me. My church ministry. No one cares for the sick. Lip service. Forgotten. Lies of the devil, lies of the devil, don’t feed it. I go to bed dreading it again.

Day 3 (Today): I am tired, my ears are really imbalanced. Barely slept with the dizziness again. The haze continues to trigger my sneezes causing more imbalance to my ears. Each sneeze, each time I blow my nose my vertigo worsens, I see white spots. The migraine comes on. Pain. Nausea. I don’t know what to do. I sit, I stand, I lie, nothing alleviates the giddiness and migraine.

I manage to pray Jeremiah 31, I find strength, I beg for renewal of hope and faith as I feel it leaving my body, mind, spirit. I fear my future, yet I know God promised to heal me. He said to wait a bit more.

Sometimes things get worse again to prepare you for your catapult up right?

I felt compelled to type this post though my eyes are barely open for I must squint and I am unable to stare at the screen for long, but I needed to post this. Forgive me for any word errors. Anyone out there feeling the same, hang on. I know you’re spinning but hang on. I know you want to end your life but hang on.

My spirit wants to give up. I can’t do this any longer. This vertigo is forever.

These are lies. Lies. God is the healer of all.

See my struggle? But I will fight. I will fight. I will fight..

The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness..” Jeremiah 31: 2

Be kind to one another,

xo, Faith

Tweet me @Godvsdepression



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