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PS: For new visitors, I encourage you to read from my first post as my posts are usually continuations. First post here: https://godvsdepression.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/depression-really/
I’ve been reflecting a lot on the past and have been asking Jesus to show me whatever I need to know to be able to heal, inside and out. How did my depression come about? And all the other things that has led up to now. In some of my previous posts, I have identified many of the root causes mainly – my childhood and rejection from peers as I grew up. Now that I have identified it, how do I go about letting go or healing from it?
I used to be materialistic of some sort, because I was very insecure. The word insecure is such a huge understatement for the severity of my non-existent self esteem back then. With my eczema (skin) and scoliosis (my spine is an ‘S’ shape and causes one side of my body to protrude out) I just felt like a freak. I had to wear a back brace which limited my movements and caused me to be in constant perspiration and I could not wear normal clothes as the brace was like a huge corset. Here’s an example of what a back brace looks like:
It made me look ‘fat’ and no clothes would fit me except big baggy t-shirts and stretchable pants. Thinking back now I still feel some sort of anger. As I grew up, all I cared about was the riches of life. I wanted to be rich, beautiful, famous etc.. and I also developed an incredulous amount of anxiety because of the need to always be perfect. I didn’t want to eat, I just wanted to be paper thin.
For the seed that fell among thorns: “..they are choked by the anxieties and riches and pleasures of life..” – Luke 8:14
However, with all that need for perfection. I hated the world. I hated media. I hated the people of society. They were the ones setting all these unrealistic standards, making our lives miserable. Constantly nitpicking at myself was a 24/7 duty. (Keyword: Duty)
I visited a very anointed priest last week, very thankful that my vertigo allowed me to see him that day. He said that for me, it is ‘Psycho-Spiritual’ and that my spirit is very fragmented, I am a ‘zombie’. Don’t read that negatively, we were just trying to figure out all that is churning inside me. (think massive salad bowl) I too, believe that my BPD and depression is being greatly heightened and magnified with my PTSD and vertigo. Coping with this constant vertigo takes up my entire being. I shall not even try to describe it because no one will understand it unless they have been through it. (Not hating here) I know why God is allowing this to happen, I am thirsty for more. I need to know why I am still going through this. An individual needs to be incredibly mentally sturdy to wake up and go to bed with vertigo everyday without being eaten alive by existing depression. Top it off with the fact that having to be unwillingly still and inactive is absolutely abhorring to me (ADHD). Urgh.
So, I have come to know that my prayers and the prayers from my family and their ministry members and friends have really kept me sane until now, kept the fighting spirit in me. I cannot express how thankful I am for them. I constantly read scripture, it is my daily bread. It started off as discipline but now, I want to. I need it. It’s the only thing that keeps me from falling into the pit of doom and eaten alive by ravaging lions awaiting the next rotting carcass. That would be me if not for the word of God. Why? Why is it that just mere words can keep your soul from languishing into eventual waste?
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” – John 1:1
Okay. So the word is God. What does that mean? Something in me just needed to go deeper. Was there a subtext to this statement? I asked the Lord to take me deeper and grant me the wisdom with his grace to understand with my heart.
“It is the spirit that gives life; the flesh is useless. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life” – John 6:63
Yes, because of scripture that has kept me sane and steady, I now suffer in peace. My soul is at peace most of the time even when I start spinning, unlike in the start. Alright.. getting there. I prayed that the Lord would open the eyes of my mind and the ears of my heart. His words (the word is God) gives life to my spirit. So what exactly is this spirit? What was He trying to tell me, that he is spirit? That his words are life? We always hear it, but what does it really mean?
“God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth” – John 4:24
Aha. Worshipping him in spirit: to pray and ask that our will would be aligned to His will. When this happens, then we can worship in truth: which is the awareness of our sins and receiving his graces not to continue sinning.
Amazing isn’t it? I STRONGLY encourage those of you who are struggling with depression. Scripture can really lead you out of it. Really. From someone who really hated God, please believe me. (Hahaha) He is the reason why my depression has not got the better of me especially with this magnitude of mental strength I have to apply every single day with this vertigo.
“..the implanted word that has the power to save your souls” – James 1:21
Don’t convince yourself that you will live in depression for the rest of your life. If you don’t have victory inside, you’ll never have it on the outside. We are not created to constantly struggle. Yes depression is overwhelming a lot of the times, but remember. You are temporarily in defeat, but not defeated. The devil wants to contain us to the futility of our minds, he wants us to think that we will never get out of the situation. It is not true. Many of you are suffering too because of hurts in the past. Don’t let disappointments from the past rob you of your future, don’t let the people who have mistreated you sour you on life. Believe me, it took me a long time to get here and I am almost there, but not yet. Let go. Let go.
“Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” – Romans 12:2
I am a very stubborn person and have an issue with authority. I don’t like being told what to do. When I first started to learn about Jesus, I thought he was so demanding and ridiculous. Through this illness however, I know he wants me to learn obedience. To his will, his plan. To let go of all control. Why? His plan is always good. Us, with our limited capabilities of the human mind will never see the big picture like him. We can only try.
“..Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to the one who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered” – Hebrews 5:7-9
This illness is good for me. It produces character. It is teaching me obedience and perseverance. I will not give up. I hope you wouldn’t too. This is a prayer I say whenever I start spinning and feel so helpless and depressed:
“Depart from me, all you workers of evil, for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping, The Lord has heard my supplication; the Lord accepts my prayer” -Psalm 6:8-9
YEAH!!!!!! I almost shout this all the time, either out loud or in my mind. It is ridiculously powerful. Hahaha. (Use of the word ‘ridiculous’ not meant to be negative)
Don’t give up :) Keep fighting. You are getting closer to your breakthrough.
“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life” – John 8:12
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression