Bondage to the Decaying of my soul

(Please see About for the purpose of this blog)


PS: For new visitors, I encourage you to read from my first post as my posts are usually continuations. First post here: https://godvsdepression.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/depression-really/

“KILL MEEEEEE!!!!”

These detrimental words coursed through my veins, pulsing and giving life to the subliminal negativity constantly gnawing at me, eating my spirit alive while I was on the way to my doctor a few days ago. My vertigo was inducing such unbearable nausea through the motion of being in a taxi. I steadied myself within and called upon Jesus. I can make it, I can make it..

The depression I’ve battled with for many years is always lurking, tempting me. Darkness is addictive. Negativity has always been my comfort zone for as long as I can remember. Why? I really wondered. Why is it that much easier to fall right back into the pit each time it seems like you are going to make it out?

This chronic vertigo of mine which is also known as ‘Invisible illness’ is a wide open door for to me from the devil to jump right back into the pit. I can see him smiling at me, very charming, enticing even. It’s so addictive to be depressed and suicidal it’s like bondage. Eventually you decay and seep into the ground leaving not a single trace of the malicious works of the enemy. How long must I bear this illness? Why must I bear this illness? I’m all alone, no one understands me, everyone has left me.

How long must I bear pain in my soul, and sorrow in my heart all day long?” – Psalm 13:2

I tried my best not to question God, but I couldn’t help it. I begged him to pull me out.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, and my enemy will say, “I have prevailed” – Psalm 13:3

I will not let the devil prevail. No, I’ve allowed that too many times. I’ve been reflecting these few days and have acquired an epiphany from above. God is allowing this vertigo to cripple me so that he can heal my emotional scars and align my will to his that I may abide in his commandments because I have no choice but to be still now. I don’t have my active lifestyle anymore, I can hear him better :)

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose” – Romans 8:28

As I mentioned, I have been reflecting on my past ways, the lifestyle I had sitting on the fence as some of you may have read in my previous posts. Yesterday as I was having my lunch, this vice-like surge of repentant guilt pierced through my being to the point where I couldn’t move. I had an anxiety attack. My past flashed before me, how foolish I was! My anger, self-righteousness, giving in to temptations hurt the Lord so, so much. Then, I fully understood my suffering now and why I have to endure it.

I am grateful for Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because he judged me faithful and appointed me to his service even though I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and a man of violence. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief” – 1 Tim 1:12-14

I chose to continue giving in to temptations though I always had this nagging inside me, knowing that it’s wrong. I chose to ignore it.

By rejecting conscience, certain persons have suffered shipwreck in the faith” – 1 Tim: 1:19

I thought of Lot’s wife, who turned into a pillar of salt as she looked back to the city God was destroying even after telling them not to look back. [Lot 19:24-26] Now that I am repentant, the Lord doesn’t want me to look back anymore. My faith has been renewed, in suffering! How amazing is that? A miracle in itself; suffering.

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us” – Romans 8:18

God will never let his faithful one see the pit. Never. He has brought light into the world, not darkness. Why do you think he separated light and darkness when he created the world? They do not belong together.

In John 5, he cures a man who has been sick for 38 years and what does he say to him? See, you have been made well! Do not sin anymore, so that nothing worse happens to you” – John 5:14

That will be me. Jesus has resurrected me with his words of life. Nourishment to my soul, light to my eyes. I would be foolish to cave into the darkness. Depression is my life’s greatest blessing. It has allowed me to die. It has allowed my soul to die, but it is good because,

Very truly I tell you, the hour is coming, and is now here, when the dead will hear the voice of the son of God, and those who hear will live” – John 5:25

It is because I have died to myself that I now truly live in God. God is a genius. You can only come to light once you’ve passed through darkness. You will only know light when you’ve seen darkness. I am not going to give up and I hope you wouldn’t too. It gets easier everyday. My time will come when God will heal me of my vertigo, once his current work/purpose for my emotional and mental health is done. I am excited.

Keep going, you out there. :)


By endurance you will gain your souls” – Luke 21:19

xo, Faith

Tweet me @Godvsdepression

https://twitter.com/godvsdepression

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