(Please see About for the purpose of this blog)
PS: For new visitors, I encourage you to read from my first post as my posts are usually continuations. First post here: https://godvsdepression.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/depression-really/
I wanted to continue from my two previous posts but I wanted to share what happened just last night. As I mentioned in my previous post, my vertigo is again, intensifying.
I went to bed last night with it already being worse. Then I woke up all of a sudden after only 2 hours of sleep and starting spinning uncontrollably until sunrise. It was like sitting on a merry-go-round at 100000/KPH. I remained calm up until the disastrous thoughts forced their way in despite my fighting.
“Here we go again, it always seems to get better for a week or two then it spirals out of control. This is forever. There’s no way I’m going to be healed of this. Forget about your life, your future, there is none. HAHAHAHA. Who are you trying to kid thinking that you’ll be okay? That God will heal you? Well, he’s cruelly watching you suffer right now and not doing anything. NOTHING. He’s playing you, mocking you.”
Then I shouted, in my mind of course, JESUS. JESUS. SAVE ME JESUS. HELP ME. I could feel the trepidations of anxiety increasing in my heart. This is not right, I am calling upon the Lord but why am I more anxious?
“Prayer is not magic, calling Jesus is not going to stop the spinning. Stop being delusional. Look at all your friends who left you, look at everything you lost, look at how you are suffering every single minute and this stupid blog you started. You think people are going to care about how you’re suffering? Everyone’s moving on with their lives, without you. No one gives a shit. NO. ONE.“
With all my might, in my mind, IN THE NAME OF JESUS, VERTIGO BE GONE, SWAYING BE GONE, SPINNING MY GONE. SPIRIT OF DESPAIR BE GONE. I repeated this over and over again (maybe almost an hour) with my hand upon my head.
The vertigo didn’t stop but it slowed down to a rocking-swaying motion. I calmed myself down and recognised that the devil was playing on my anxiety, my panic. Those thoughts were not from me.
“..you must not live as the Gentiles live, in the futility of their minds.” – Eph 4:17
I wasn’t going to give in. I breathed and thought of the many saints who suffered joyfully. [Keyword: Joyfully.]
“.. the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have it’s full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.” – James 1: 3-4
“.. and may you be prepared to endure everything with patience, while joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in his inheritance of the saints in the light.” – Col 1:11-13 (the saints went through A LOT of suffering)
These verses just kept scrolling in my mind. I am not going to give in to the lies of the devil. I am not. Suffering is good, it produces character, it builds you, strengthens you, humbles you. There’s a story in the bible, Matthew 20:20-23. A mother asks Jesus for a favour, to let both her sons sit at his right and left hand. Jesus replies saying, “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I’m about to drink?”. This reminded me of this particular prayer that I’ve always made over the past few years – Lord, I want to be your disciple. I want to be so filled with you and do your works and let nothing get in my way. Hold on to me no matter what, no matter how far I drift. I am willing to do anything to get closer to you, to your heart.”
Heard of the saying, be careful what you wish for? In this case, be careful what you pray for. (Hahaha) When the time comes, Jesus will give you what you ask. I believe that this illness is his way not mine to draw me closer to him, and I can sulk around and think that he’s so mean etc. However, deep in my heart I know why it has to happen this way. I am unduly STUBBORN.
Even after a pivotal conversion experience retreat 5 years back, I sat on the fence. I was serving in the worship team in my church ministry and also partying, smoking and getting drunk at the same time. I never hid it, I wasn’t ashamed of it because I wasn’t that aware of the repercussions of it. “.. for they do not know what they are doing” – Luke 23-34
Jesus bestows patience on me with his graces through the understanding of the story of Lazarus (John 11:1-44). When Jesus received the message that Lazarus was ill, he did not go to him immediately but waited 2 days. He said, “This illness does not lead to death; rather it is for God’s glory, so that the son of man may be glorified through it.” – John 11:4
Then he goes on to puzzle his disciples by saying, “.. Lazarus is dead. For your sake, I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe..”
Jesus also refers to ‘dead’ as ‘asleep’ in this passage. (‘I am glad I was not there’? Wow, that sounds incredibly mean doesn’t it?) Further on, despite the grief of Lazarus’ sisters, they believed in Jesus and though Lazarus was dead for 4 days, Jesus raised him up. “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” – John 11:40
We will never understand why God allows things to happen. It’s easy to blame him, just like how it’s so easy to be manipulated and deceived by your own mind. The devil knows it. He knows that’s where our weakness is, especially those with depression and anxiety so he plays on that. Clever. But not clever enough to outdo our Lord and saviour. Just like the story of Lazarus, Jesus was glad he wasn’t there so that they could witness his power and glory when he raised Lazarus up, he waited for the right time. :) Don’t you think that this is an even more powerful miracle then if he would have rushed there and cured Lazarus immediately? Stupendous. Truly our Lord is a genius.
If the Lord could raise the dead, surely this chronic vertigo of mine is nothing to him, peanut. I just have to wait. Patience; a great virtue.
Now, are you going to let the devil win or are you going to fight a battle that has already been won by Jesus Christ?
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression