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There are plenty of articles/advertisements and research about depression everywhere. Modernised lifestyles in cosmopolitan cities and cultures have increased the frequency of anyone getting ‘infected’ by this deadly disease of the mind. However, the term ‘depression’ has also been so frivolously used as if it were something to be proud of just like how eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia have been publicised. It’s almost as if some are proud to be clinically diagnosed with depression and placed on medications. Hollywood has promoted the word Xanax simply by incorporating it into movies, even comedy. Eg. “What did you have for breakfast, bitch flakes? Take your Xanax.”
“Nonetheless, for over seventy-five years the word ‘depression’ had slithered innocuously through the language like a slug, leaving little trace of its intrinsic malevolence and preventing, by its very insipidity, a general awareness of the horrible intensity of the disease when out of control” – William Styron
Yes, many people know what depression is but just like how we will never know fully the pains and mental abuse a cancer patient goes through unless we have went through it ourselves, or how Jesus suffered cruelly on the cross of his crucifixion, depression is not enough to be explained. One must only experience it to understand how it can wrap around you slowly and steadily with the tightness of its asphyxiation around your neck day by day, minute by minute. Besides the standard symptoms of obvious depression, many also do not know how these symptoms affect an individual:
– Inability to focus (school, work, daily life things)
– Changes in sensory perception (unable to see positively in anything/situation)
– Disruption of sleep (nightmares, waking up every few hours)
– Changes in motorskills
– Anhedonia (having no interest in doing anything, even what one has always enjoyed doing)
These are just some examples, there are many more. It’s not as simple as, “Just get up and go out, take a walk. Do something you like. Snap out of it, is it that hard? Pray, it solves everything.” These insensitive words have been thrown my way a MILLION times and only made me feel worse enough to continue spiralling downward into my own abysmal pit of languish.
For myself, all the negative events in my childhood (rejection, feelings of unworthiness, being used by peers) fed the monster of ‘original sin’ that we were all born with and eventually led me to being ‘anti-christ’ from the age of 14 onwards.
What is the definition of being anti-christ in my opinion:
Hating the world + hating people + hating yourself + hating circumstances that don’t go your way + hating feelings/emotions + hating ‘happiness’ etc = Hating GOD
(it’s funny because I ‘wasn’t supposed’ to believe in him right?)
See also: Hating to be alive, hating that your hair got tangled up, hating that you didn’t get the taxi that just drove past you. Basically hating everything/everyone for no logical reason, even air. HA.HA. (no, really)
At that time, I didn’t know where all this hate came from until it eventually gave birth to something much bigger and scarier that I had absolutely no control of: Suicide
After 2 years of self mutilation on my wrists, legs and stomach I decided to end my seemingly melancholic and hopeless being/life at 16 years old. It was night and my family was asleep. I turned on a small counter light and sat on the edge of my kitchen window staring down 13 storeys. “Just 13 storeys down and my useless darkened being that nobody loves and wants and needs will be gone. No one will remember me, no one will cry for me, no one would even notice that I’m gone.”
Yeah, morbid if not melodramatic, I know. As I sat there, my 16 years of life flashed before me. One particular flash that I will never forget was my sister who is 8 years younger than I and it pained me so much because despite my darkness she was the one I love so dearly. The usual happened, tears.. lots of those and the worst, despair. In the words of Abraham Lincoln who suffered from depression and described it to this friend,
” I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole world, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth.” – Abraham Lincoln
Powerful words from a powerful man huh? Just as I was about to jump, by the grace of God (which I only knew years later) my mother awoke from her slumber. She told me that she didn’t know why she did and just had an inkling to go to the kitchen. There she saw me, and I cannot imagine the pain I put her through when she had to hold me and successfully bring me down and away from the window. She then proceeded to close and lock all the windows and called my psychiatrist whom I was seeing at that time. The next day, I was admitted into the Mental Health Institution for Juveniles for prevention measures. It was a horrible experience..
It was also the beginning of God unravelling his plan for me. The purpose of my journey, my history. I will continue in my next post.
May God Bless you fully. Hang on, stay strong no matter where you are. Say a prayer even if you don’t fully believe it yet. ;)
“In the end, sorrow, anguish, and mental pain will be overcome” – Isaiah 35:10; 51:11
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me at: @Godvsdepression