(Please see About for the purpose of this blog)
I feel the need to write about this after my cousin shared a video that set within me what is paramount to an avalanche of a soul crushing tsunami of emotions.
I have a few diagnosis’s, everything is linked. Mental and physical. Today I would like to talk about PTSD. Like many illnesses that are not well known, PTSD is also an invisible illness. Upon hearing of this mentally traumatic illness, most people would assume that only war veterans suffer from this. However, PTSD can happen to anyone. As a fellow sufferer, I would like to share some details with you about this crippling mental dynamite.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. Symptoms may start within three months of a traumatic event, but sometimes symptoms may not appear until years after the event.
On top of the holistic approach I am seeking to try and find a cure to my chronic vertigo (medical doctors told me they are sorry they can’t help me anymore), the neurologist diagnosed it as PTSD. I shall share the gist of what happened to me in the recent years and try to explain how mental health can cripple and make the body sick.
- Had a bf of almost 2 years who kept cheating on me and I foolishly stayed on. We quarrelled 5 times a day, 6 days a week. I lost a lot of weight, was always tired and toward the end of the strenuous relationship, I was diagnosed with ‘Overactive bladder‘ (http://www.urologyhealth.org/urologic-conditions/overactive-bladder-(oab))
- God helped me to finally let go of the unhealthy bondage to the relationship and I was trying hard to recover from it along with my existing depression. However, I started partying, drinking and smoking so much more than I already was. (Toxic was building up)
- Later on, I started to date a guy who was in a relationship (yupp, dumb and dumber). While in the process of both of us trying to figure out what was going on and desperately seeking God’s advice, it was an emotional roller coaster. Intense, heart-racing, passionate etc. I was stressed out and always filled to the brim with anxiety 24/7.
- Then I had an accident which resulted in me not being able to walk for almost 2 months. That added on to the impending doom of existential emotional stress. However I was well taken care of and loved (so I thought) by this guy.
- Eventually he gave up his relationship with his gf for me, unfortunately he did not realise how much it would affect him and coincidentally that’s when my vertigo began. It made me completely useless, I was not capable of helping him to get over his relationship (sounds increasingly dumb the more I talk about it) and soon, the vertigo consumed me entirely.
- This guy, the ‘love of my life’ (hah) decided to leave me. When my vertigo was at it’s peak. Then a great betrayal happened when he and our good friend got intimate followed by a series of discovery about him, and them. Things I never knew about that inflicted an excruciatingly detrimental amount of hurt toward me.
What is very much under diagnosed is ‘Delayed-onset PTSD‘. A built up of emotional traumatic experiences can also cause PTSD. You can imagine what happened after that. Vertigo worsened, anxiety attacks, tears 24/7, nightmares/insomnia, repetition of the events that happened would not stop playing, in and out of the hospital because I could not breathe etc. The image of him walking away from me and me catching them getting intimate and all our friends that eventually left me just added on so much, and all the smoking and drinking over the years already pushed my body to its limit and these emotional wreckages simply self-imploded.
- Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
- Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
- Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event
- Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the event
- Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
- Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event
- Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behaviour
- Always being on guard for danger
- Overwhelming guilt or shame
- Self-destructive behaviour
- Trouble concentrating
- Trouble sleeping
- Being easily startled or frightened (lights, sound)
These are just some that have affected myself. PTSD is severely underestimated. It is UNCONTROLLABLE.
Watch this video that my cousin sent:
Of course this is a SEVERE case of PTSD. It is heartbreaking. But this is the reality of it. People need to understand this. It takes over your entire body and has disastrous consequences. What do you think is going to happen to this boy? He needs PROPER help and love to move on and heal from his crazy traumatic and psychologically damaging experience.
Before you underestimate someone’s mental illness/struggle, make sure you know enough about it. Love them, never leave them. It is incredibly traumatic when you leave them at such a crucial time and can leave a lifetime of scarring. At times when you don’t know how to ‘console’ them, all you have to do is listen and sometimes just hold them close, hug them. That is all we need sometimes.
“They sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great” -Job 2:13
I am only trying to raise awareness. Through everything that has and is happening to me, I only want to share what I’ve learnt:
- Do not judge someone who looks ‘normal’, everyone has their own set of problems that you don’t know of.
- Human weakness
- Mental health battles are just like having cancer in your head
- Whenever you think you are the most miserable person, look at videos and news about other parts of the world like the one I shared and be grateful for what you have
- Count your blessings. (Though I am debilitated, I have fresh water to drink, a bed to lie on, parents who love me)
- Suffering is not just a result of your sins or your parent’s/ancestors, sometimes it is only for God’s glory to be done when he heals you. BELIEVE he will.
God has not left himself without testimony to his power and greatness.
Fellow PTSD sufferers, keep going. We need to be strong and get well to help people in other parts of the world who do not have access to proper treatment like us. We need to get well, we cannot be selfish. We have the resources, we should not be dwelling in it. I will fight everything I have been diagnosed with. I will fight the doctors that say otherwise. Though I might fall into doubt, I will continuously rise again for my God is a good God and I will not let satan devour me.
Keep going my friends.
“I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears” – Psalm 34:4
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression