“I’ll never love anyone again. There’s no such thing as love! Love is not real. Love is a lie!”
Time and time again I’ve angered and deemed myself foolish whenever my heart got broken. From friendships to relationships, every new memory, new connection with a person only led to heartbreak. Then one day I realised, that I don’t know what love is. I have never known what it is. And that revelation was frightening.
I chose to ignore that life-altering revelation. It really caught me off-guard and plunged me deeper into the dark hole that already formed a firm pit in my existence. It wasn’t until a conversion retreat when I was 19, that I unwillingly (I thought it was a church camp for fun and games but it turned out to be really deep stuff) attended that made me face this chilling fact.
I’ve mentioned this is some of my older posts:
I grew up with a mother who based my morning to nights on academic results. Every waking and breathing moment was about results and preparation for the next test, next semester, next year. I don’t ever remember being on a break. I travelled a lot when I was young, my family was better off then, before the economy crumbled. I had great memories though only bits and pieces as I was too young. However, toward the end of our holidays, I always dreaded going home. I knew the books, tests, studying, caning, beating were waiting to welcome me. I grew up with fear not love, not respect, but good (hah) old-fashioned fear.
My dad was always at work too being in the hotel industry up till today so he was never really present as a male figure in my life (which is also why I had and still have a hard time connecting with God).
I don’t know what love is and I have no memory of feeling loved or hearing my parents tell me that they love me.
In summary this is what I knew about love growing up and indulging in the secular world when I started to rebel in my early teens:
- Friends come and go, they never stay through the tough times. They only love you when you’re cheerful.
- People only love me when I’m funny. My nickname was ‘Drama Queen’ and I was the class clown who loved to entertain and make others laugh. Whenever a friend cried, I was called over because I knew how to cheer them up. (I now know that this gift can really be put to good use)
- Everyone wanted me to look like how they wanted me to, to conform to society’s standards of ‘cool’ and ‘pretty’. I must look like them to be loved.
- Having a boyfriend increased your worth.
- Not having sex with your boyfriend was unusual and un-cool, it means you don’t really love him – you’re unwilling to give him all of you.
- Eating like a normal person without starving or throwing up your food made you fat and un-cool. Nobody will like you if you’re not broken.
- I wasn’t loved enough if I didn’t have a clique to hang out with.
- You are nothing if you’re not popular.
- You’re never pretty or hot enough like the other girls, the guys don’t want that.
- The only option if you’re not loved is suicide. Nobody likes you anyway, so you shouldn’t exist. According to them.
These are just some of the things, the mentality that I was shaped into. Now that I’m in this state. (See here), how much more unlovable and useless am I! Wow! Yet, this is the best time for me to search for the meaning of love. What is love. I am not even familiar with that word. So far away, so distant. And because of this lack of understanding, I always have the thought of ending my life.
No love = No point living
We always hear the words, “God loves you”, “You deserve to be loved”, “You are worth more than you know”. Really? Why am I still a big empty black hole inside then? Why do these words never stick? Why do I always feel lonely? Why do I feel alone and hollow even at a party when we’re all laughing and having fun?
On this journey of my coming to know Christ, I am still in the early stages of understanding His love and ‘Love’ in itself, but what we fail to know and realise is that God wants us to love him back. Our very lives, our very existence is for the sole purpose of loving him back.
God not only says, “You are my Beloved” but he also asks, “Do you love me?”
Whenever we are hurt or rejected, down with illness or lose something dear to us, we question if we really are, loved. If we are, why do we suffer? If this amazing God the Father claims that he loves me so much, why is there still suffering here on earth? Yes, life is a painful test to always have to prove that we deserve to be loved. That is what the world tells us. Not God.
If you enter into the spiritual side, the spiritual life, rejections and never being good enough, sufferings in general, are points of a journey where there is a choice to claim, believe and say, “Yes I am loved.” or the choice to say, “No”.
We have already been loved even before the world was created.
“Even before he made the world, God loved us..” -Ephesians 1:4
All we need to do is to continue to claim that love. Claim this love over and through our hurts, our constant rejections, resentment, sufferings and to love God back. The very meaning of our lives is to love others just as God loves us, through the good and the bad. When we do all this, we are loving him back. And that is the sole purpose and meaning of true love. The meaning of life.
If anyone out there feels the same way about love and life, I encourage you to check out who this ‘Jesus’ is, because all I can tell you is that He is the only answer. :)
I am still on this journey of finding, understanding, accepting and claiming what true love is and the meaning of life. Don’t give up just because the road is long, take your time. You cannot rush a journey, you can only be present to realise the beauty in every step. Don’t try to keep up with others or let anyone slow you down. Your pace, your life.
“The unfathomable mystery of God is that God is a Lover who wants to be loved. The one who created us is waiting for our response to the love that gave us out being.” -Henri J. M. Nouwen, ‘Life of the Beloved’
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression