A dedication to all who are suffering out there. Physically (illness) and/or emotionally (mental health/ heartbreak etc). To all with broken dreams..
The story begins with you living a stellar life, or maybe just ordinary. You have problems and struggles like everyone else and those who are suffering more seriously seemed far away from you. “That could never happen to me.. right?”
You plan your future and are able to make changes to adapt to unforeseen circumstances. Things don’t always go our way but hey, eventually we all find a way. Career wise, especially. Maybe you planned to get married, or go on a trip with your friends, an adventure. Basically, dreams and goals that you wish to fulfil.
One day, it happens. All that you’ve never dreamed of having or even thought would happen to someone close to you much less, you. You are struck with illness, and/or something earth-shattering and you just couldn’t handle it. Not necessarily a physical illness. It affects your mental and emotional state. So what do you? What can you do?
If you’ve read some of my posts or the ‘About‘ page, you would know that I led a crazy life. I’ve had depression for a long time, I was a party girl, I had health issues here and there but nothing that deterred me too badly or prevented me from living the life I wanted and also served in a church ministry later on. All this before that fateful day I went to Bangkok with my friends where a prank went wrong and messed up my entire physical state and gifted me something so debilitating. What do we do when our lives come to a sudden halt? When someone leaves us? When an entire group of friends betray us. The person you most trusted backstabbed you. Ran off with your money. Stole your partner, and other much more unthinkable situations that you never thought would even exist or that you’d be in.
You are crushed. Doctors are left clueless. No amount of comfort seems to help. No medications can help ease the pain. The symptoms. Your feel your life has come to an end. Everything you’ve ever worked for is wasted. Pointless. Why even try anymore?
You question, where is God? Is there even a God? Why has he allowed this to happen? Why has he allowed the evil one to interfere with my life like that? Why? Why?? WHY!!??
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” -Job 1:21
This verse is extremely difficult to accept. As of today, it has taken me slightly over 3 years to understand and accept this verse. How did Job do it? He had everything. Plus, he was a great guy, never defied the Lord and lived righteously. How then, with his life exploded before his eyes, tore his clothes and shaved his head and worshipped the Lord with these words? That’s insane.
Now, I see the beauty in it. The true meaning of humility. It is a burden lifted off when we choose to let go of pride but it is true freedom when we begin to understand and feel humility before the Lord. And this freedom is not what our earthly understanding of freedom is. It is the most liberating and inexplicable ethereal grace in your heart. No words can describe this feeling of true freedom. Hey, from someone who has had all doctors given up on her, this revelation if you would call it, is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.
My earthly wants and dreams and goals are gone. POOF! Vanished. Yet, it is amazing. I now have a blank page. Empty. For God to write in. Do you know what that means? A perfect plan for you without your or anyone else’s interference is going to happen. This new journey is never easy with all that afflicts your body and/or mind, but God promises only hope and a certain future of joy. How exciting.
“You will need endurance to do God’s will and gain what he has promised.” – Hebrews 10:36
God knows exactly where you are right now. We can’t see it but He can. He knows where He plans to take you. Look at the challenges you’ve already passed in your life. Feel free to ask Him more about this new journey He wants to take you on. It may not be smooth but if you know that the end is great and for your good and happiness, your heart will rejoice. Take my word on this, as a fellow human being.
With my ongoing personal experience, my life is very much like the Old Testament moving on to the New Testament. I’ll try to draw parallels and analogies.
Old Testament: The Israelites were always attacked by outsiders so all they knew, their whole lives was just to fight. War. Violence. No mercy. No peace treaty. No talking, just fighting.
So God came in and like any good parent does, He lets them do this for awhile. Then he set limits but gave them the freedom to choose to follow the rules or not. He allowed them to make mistakes but like all parents do with mistakes, comes consequences.
Exactly what happened to myself. I was spending my life in all that I only knew how to. Sin. Sin. Sin. You can imagine what comes along with partying, drinking, smoking, boys. Yeah, you get the picture. So God watched me and He even gave me a few opportunities to let go of that lifestyle to turn to Him completely but I chose to sit on a fence, half-responding to His call for me. Partying and serving in a ministry. Hmmmm.
I didn’t die, but my soul did. I was gradually decaying. The emptiness inside me grew bigger and wider. All I lived for was working to get money to party. That’s it. And even hoped to find my better half in places like this. (Guffaws).
So the prank gone wrong accompanied with the debilitating dizziness and vertigo are my consequences. He didn’t hurt me. The evil one interfered more and more and God allowed it to happen, just like how He allowed Job to be tested. I allowed it to happen. I opened the door and left it open for sin to enter. It didn’t make sense to me at first. Why would any father allow his child to be tested?!?! Isn’t that kinda sadistic? Like… WHAT EVEN?
Now I see it. I would never have stopped. God needed to allow that FORCEFUL stop to get me out. Just like how you would splash cold water or slap a drunk friend if they were about to get in trouble with the police in attempts to smack them out of it.
Many of these troubles we see in the Old Testament happened in the imperfection and incompleteness of divine revelation before Jesus came. People were blinded. It was a preparation for the new things that would come with the revelation of Jesus.
New Testament: God is a teacher.
A divine teacher. He slowly but surely reveals more and more of himself throughout the Old Testament toward the New Testament. And that’s what He wants to do with our lives too. All these horrible things (or as we perceive as horrible) are just a new blank page given to us, a chance to start anew. There is always a reason. We may not agree with God’s ways, we may not understand it with the human mind but everything He does and plans is good FOR US. Not for Him. For us.
He is like a parent. Think of parents. I don’t have great memories but I know what I want to do if I’m a parent. I wouldn’t shelter or pamper my kid from the harsh realities. We all know that even if parents warn or advice, 99% of the time it’s never heeded. What do parents do then? They can’t do anything but watch them get hurt, but you know what? Parents are there to pick us up when we fall. To comfort us. To guide us again and again, and again.
This is what God is trying to do. If you think your dreams and goals are broken, your life plan, gone. Think again. There is a great parent up there who has already carved the perfect plan for you. All for YOUR good.
May you be in peace through this reflection. You are not alone.
“Do not behave in the way you liked to before you learnt the truth..” – 1 Peter 1:14
Be kind to one another,
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